this week i am revisiting my animations from the first half/two thirds of the semester. this is a rough draft of a re-edit i did using the videos i made earlier. when i projected the videos onto the walls, i felt that the objects lost their mysteriousness and preciousness and became awkward at such a large scale. i was also effected by technical issues out of my control and needed to take time away from the content until my frustrations dissipated. one of my key words in my research this semester is "constellation(s)". in my initial research on psychic energy, the word constellation came up a lot in reference to sub-sections of personality and disconnected experiences of the self. it has also come up in relation to sound pieces and its most literal definition in reference to the universe. since my second piece for the semester explores representation and interaction with the cosmos, i wanted to bring these videos back and consider how they might be better presented. i've been feeling really uncomfortable producing and talking about art because it's not what i want to do and i have a lot of qualms with the art world. i had been coping with these frustrations by trying to achieve catharsis through trauma based work, but this was actually harming me and making it more difficult to be in the art world. i've shifted to trying to make art as a form of prayer/offering to the earth and cosmos because this is more of a positive and productive way for me to create art.

i intend to present this video by projection mapping it underneath a pool of water, which will be placed inside a plinth shaped altar. aside from being a sacred object of contemplation and reflection, this work contains a level of institutional critique. the function of the plinth is inverted by painting it black and having it contain, rather than support, a work of art. the video is of the cosmos, which simultaneously represent everything and nothing. i think white conceptual art is in a similar position where it is beginning to lapse into meaninglessness where it can easily be considered phenomenal and profound by the art world when in the real world it is nothing. i am often told at school that art doesn't exist in a vacuum, that we cannot ignore things in the space just because an artist doesn't want viewers to see them, which is why architecture and site specificity need to be considered. I have always gotten good grades in my studio classes because i consider the things i am supposed to consider. i'm frustrated because art DOES exist in a vacuum, and the hypocrisy of the institution's emphasis on art being considerate of its materiality is never questioned. my question in response to these mantras is, if art doesn't exist in a vacuum, why is it necessary, why is it productive, why is it meaningful, for white settlers to spend time, money, and polluting resources making conceptual art on stolen land when we could be putting our energy into de-colonizing and reconciliation efforts? it gets harder and harder to speak confidently about my work because i fundamentally do not believe that the world needs any more white art, however i made it into my third year before having these realizations and now i just want to finish my degree so i can use it to further my education in ways that are meaningful. i am here to graduate, and the quality of my work is essentially a performance of how easy it is to make "good" art as a white person by simply following the rules set in place by my predecessors. im really grateful to be at school but when i talk about my art it feels like im lying